How I Know

Today I interviewed for a job teaching AP French at the Career Center. Though I do not believe in the idea of "jinxing", I will refrain from sharing the outcome of this interview until (a) it is official, and (b) I have figured out how all potential outcomes might affect my current situation as a graduate student. I will say that the interview was a very positive experience.

One question that came up during the interview was "How do you know you want to be a teacher?" What follows is an expansion of the answer I gave during today's interview.

This question is very difficult to answer and to explain to someone who does not feel the same way. "I think it's something you just know," I said to the interviewer, "and I suspect that you feel it or have felt it at some point in your life, or you wouldn't be in the position that you are in."

How do I know I want to be a teacher? I think I have offered many answers in the past. Never before has it been so clear to me as it is now.

If you were born to teach, you will know it because nothing else will satisfy you. Teaching is challenging. It is a lot of work. It is long hours. Sometimes, it is impossible not to think about it... lesson ideas, how to reach out to students, how to improve. But despite these things, and despite all the work, you enjoy doing it.

What makes this complicated is when you are in a situation that is not the right fit. That was what happened to me as a first-year teacher. It seemed like everything was wrong. As much as I wanted to enjoy what I was doing, and as much as I enjoyed the idea of it, I couldn't enjoy it in practice, because it wasn't quite right. Maybe it was the age group, maybe it was the school(s), maybe it was something else. I wanted to enjoy it, I wanted to be satisfied by it, but I was simultaneously and contradictorily satisfied and dissatisfied, happy and unhappy, motivated to do a good job and disillusioned by my reality.

I was in a good-bad situation, doing a good-bad job. I allowed the bad to outweigh the good to the point that the good did not exist. But there were good parts. My administrators loved me and begged me not to leave. My students loved my class despite my own self-criticism.

But let's get back to where we were. If you were born to teach, you will know it... because nothing else will satisfy you. That is exactly what happened to me this year. I will not, nor do I desire to, criticize my current graduate program - the thing I turned to in order to get myself out of a bad situation. There is nothing bad about it. It is a prestigious program at a prestigious university. I have learned a lot and had a lot of important experiences. It just isn't the right thing.

I believe the research we are doing is very important. I am glad that there are researchers attempting to learn more about teenagers and their families and how to make the adolescent years more positive for everyone involved. That is just not research I will be doing.

If you were born to teach, you will know it because nothing else will satisfy you. You will not be satisfied by researching people in an attempt to improve their lives... when you can teach people in an attempt to improve their lives on a daily basis. This is not - I must stress this again - this is NOT meant to denigrate those who choose to devote their lives to this kind - or any kind - of research. I am very glad people are doing this research. I just won't be doing it.

But let's get back to where we were... again. How do I know I want to be a teacher? Well, because I know. Because no matter what I do, no matter how I try to pull myself away, there is no escaping it. I just know it is right. And that answer, to a fellow educator, was completely satisfactory.

He told me a story. His first year of teaching was not ideal. The situation was not the right fit. He left, he returned to graduate school to pursue a degree in English literature. He still considers himself a scholar in that field, and he does not regret - not for one second - the experiences he had and the things he learned in that program. But he knew - immediately - that it was not right. As much as he felt the research was important, as much as he even enjoyed it, and as glad as he was that someone was doing that research... he knew would not be doing it. He returned to teaching (after swearing he never would, by the way) and has never regretted it since. He graduated from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill but refuses to donate money to them. He does not believe in wearing ties and told me I never had to wear one again at his school. He thinks learning should be FUN. Educational soul mates? I'll let you decide.

I knew on the last day of school - June 13, 2010 - that I did not want to leave teaching. I just didn't listen to myself. Nor did I listen to the assistant principal who begged me to stay. Nor did I listen to the STAY coach who predicted I would come back.

Fortunately, I had the opportunity to teach undergraduate psychology majors in my graduate program, and teaching is far and away what I most enjoyed about it. Did I enjoy learning more about teenagers and their families? Yes. Did I find my courses interesting? Of course. Did I meet a lot of wonderful people? Absolutely. Yet despite all these things... I was not TEACHING.

What's next? I think these are two separate issues. Regardless of the outcome of today's job interview, it seems that it is unwise to continue with what I am currently doing. There are practical, ideological, and financial issues to consider, and careful consideration of all of these issues leads to a very simple conclusion. I think I have accomplished what I wanted to accomplish and learned from it what I wanted to learn. I am not making any decisions or announcements today, though I can read between my own lines.

So... where did I want to go with this? Let's get back to where we were. How do you know you want to be a teacher? You know you want to be a teacher when nothing else will satisfy you. You know you want to be a teacher when you know you can make a difference. You know you want to be a teacher when you meet someone else who shares the same intangible and inexpressible feeling that you cannot escape: You know you want to be a teacher when you know you want to be a teacher.

If that answer makes sense to you, then you should probably be a teacher.

That was easy. Now for the hard part...