Thoughts

It has been requested that I write in complete sentences, so I will.

It's hard to make new friends. Harder than I remembered. You have to figure out who you like. Who you groove with. Who you connect with. And then you have to figure out how much to reveal... what to say... what to tell... who to tell. I guess Facebook pretty much renders that moot.

Here I am in Winston-Salem, living alone. I thought it would be a great experience, and it is in many ways. I like having my own place. I can do whatever I want. But if I'm being honest, it is profoundly lonely. I can't walk in the other room and make a comment to John and see the weird look he gives me. I can't drive up and down Airport Road knowing exactly where I'm going. I can't talk about my roommate anymore because I no longer have one.

I never realized how great I had it. How easy it was for me, freshman year of my undergraduate career, to make friends. It was perfect. I met the perfect people. Now, I don't know so much. What do they think of me? What do I think of them? How do I make them like me? We're supposed to be like a family, but I don't necessarily feel that connection. With anyone. Is that my fault? Is it theirs? It would be so much easier if I could have a few beers before class. Does that make me an alcoholic?

At Harris Teeter, my cashier was Austin. We talked about Wake Forest and study abroad and the price of laundry detergent. He was nice. He was cool. I wonder how old he is. I wonder where he lives. I wonder what he would be like in bed. I connected with him, during that brief time I was in the checkout line. I connected with him more than anyone else I've met while I've been here. What does that mean?

I try to remember that I am responsible for my own happiness. I can choose to interact with others, to connect with them, to make friends with them. Twenty-eight people is overwhelming. Who do I talk to? Where do I start? Where will I meet my soulmate? Why can't I start at Harris Teeter?

He winked at me when he rang me up and gave me my student discount. I swear he did. He was nice. He seemed like someone I could get along with. I might just start going to Harris Teeter every night at 8pm...

On we go. We continue tomorrow. Two classes and sandwiched in between, the dreaded lunch break. But maybe I'll meet someone I really like and who I think will really get me. I have to be myself. I have to. Because people like it when I am myself...

How weird that people might be reading my blog for the first time - new people who are supposed to be my family and who I don't really know. And when most of them read this, they will think I'm crazy. But when a few, maybe some, read this, they will find me endearing. And those are the people who I want to be my friends.

I miss you all - John especially. And Mike, who used to be my friend but will no longer speak to me. Stupid girls. Especially the one I'm alluding to. I always knew she was trouble. And Kaylen, who used to be my friend as well but apparently I didn't want to risk who knows what, and that was stupid. It's all my fault.

I look forward to Billy Joel and Busch Gardens. Change is difficult, especially when you're 23. It doesn't get any easier. Oh well. I have an empty apartment to get back to. It's not so bad. At least I have Jerome and DVR.